you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
