Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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