i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
