I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
