i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
