Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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