I wish I only lived at night.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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