She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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