"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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