You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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