It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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