This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
