The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
