If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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