hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
