after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
