Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I want to fling myself into the sun
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
