I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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