She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
