yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
