Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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