Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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