Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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