I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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