Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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