remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
