Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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