apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
