My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
