remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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