Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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