I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
