Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Randomize
