If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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