Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
