I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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