Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
