Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
