I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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