DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
