I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
