i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
