how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
