okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
