Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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