So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Can you bring me the toilet please
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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