I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
50% drunk capacity currently
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
