i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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