matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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