Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
